time for an angry rebuttal!

Wow, you go away for a year and a half and all the anorexics jump on your back (ow, ow, they're so bony!).
I wonder why these silly little girls bothered posting in the first place - if you're offended by something on the Internet, turn off your computer. Get up and do something else, like eat.
In all the responses to my last angry tirade, I was accused several times of "judging something [I] know nothing about" and being "so ignorant." How do you know this isn't something I've dealt with in my lifetime? How can you label me ignorant for not understanding your pity-seeking, wasteful, artificial "disease?" It would appear that your self-imposed starvation has begun to eat away at the fat and protein-laden brain rattling around in your hollow skull! Anorexia nervosa is not suffering - people dying in Ethiopia because they can't get food in the first place is. Can't you people put aside your own self-esteem issues, relationship problems, what have you, and think about someone else for a change? Find a more constructive, productive way to deal with your life's stressors and you'll make everyone happy.
And for the record, I was anorexic back in 8th grade, before it became trendy. My mother was anorexic in the 70s, having nothing during the day but cigarettes, coffee, and milk. Despite having lost over 50 pounds in a matter of months, I abhorred the creature staring at me in the mirror. But then I wised up and stopped acting a martyr. Now I am satisfied with my body, as imperfect as it may be, and I've found loads of ways to deal with the problems in my life.
In conclusion, the only people with eating disorders whom I pity are those with right temporal lobe lesions (that's a boo-boo in the brain, for those of you not in the know) or other, legitimate diseases.

 
time for an angry tirade!

As I sit here eating my Quick Mac, I start to think about how stupid anorexics are. I was at some website which had a link to bodycage.com (if you are hell-bent on going there, copy and paste the link into the address bar - I'm certainly not going to dignify them with a link here), so I thought I'd go and poke around a little, hoping to see some disgusting pictures of emaciated women. What I did stumble upon was a list of "Recovery Stories." Sweet baby Jeebus... what are they thinking? I hate anorexics - plain and simple - and let me tell you why:
Anorexia occurs primarily in white, middle to upper class teenage girls. In America, the fattest, greediest, most opulent country on Earth, where the ideals of beauty have been twisted and manipulated so much (think 5'11", 117 lbs., blond hair, blue eyes - selecting indiscriminately between the sexes), we have about 2% of women "suffering" from anorexia (National Eating Disorders Association). Why do I place that particular verb in quotation marks? Because they aren't suffering - they all brought it upon themselves, and have no right calling their sick little disorder something from which to suffer. We all have liberal access to the quantity of food people in Afghanistan would kill their own mother to have, and these sick little bitches refuse it? Evidently being emaciated and "perfect" to fit someone elses standards of what is beautiful is much more important than being healthy and alive. Reading these stories about how women are obsessed with weight and exercise really make me want to vomit, no pun intended. All the weeks, month, years wasted, preoccupied with daily caloric intake - all the greed in wasting so much food - all the "pity me, pity me, I'm so hungry I could lick a Saltine"...
What has this nation come to? Eat your damned food! I'll bet if you were 5'4" and weighed 140 lbs., I'd still think you were gorgeous.
I'm not entirely enthused about the way I look, but I take pleasure in eating. I am not going to succumb to the spectre of someone elses view of attractiveness - one day I will be content with my 5'4" frame, my coffee-brown hair, my dark eyes. I cannot empathize with rich girls who refuse to eat - remember, you're not going to be beautiful when you're old, so stop preoccupying yourself with appearance now.

 
damn right




What
lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

 
tragedy 60 miles north

Paul Wellstone is dead. *cries*

 
for all your onomatopoetic needs

Check out the cover of The Lemon Book for some excellent onomatopoeia. I stole this image from a guy on eBay. Tough.
Squeeck! Blop! Pht!

 
"Decrepitude can cause abnormal sexual behavior."

I haven't posted anything in over a month. What the hell is wrong with me? Yeesh. School does keep me pretty busy, so you should cut me little slack. Anyway, since I can hardly remember yesterday, much less a whole month's worth of news, I'll just regurgitate some really recent stuff.
The Campus Greens are having a contest to see which school can get the most new recruits. So I implore all you rich folks out there (and people genuinely interested in saving the environment, abolishing the death penalty, and advancing the future of progressive politics), please join. You can do so online (on the second page where it asks who you were referred by, type Erin Albrecht. I'm from Minnesota.) You don't need to be a student or even have to get involved - a donation of $25 or more is all it takes. My motivating force for doing this is whichever school recruits the most people gets a visit from Ralph Nader himself. *sigh* And you know how happy that would make me!
Ok. Enough politicking. I found this website today which is supposed be a "self-diagnosis" tool, but it loses a little in the translation. OKmedic.com will ask you such things as "Extremes state of fatness. there is a lot of subcutaneous fat around breast so fall into be state of lack of oxygen. therefore always seems like doze." and "Between the eggwhite and iris on an eye, there appears tiny tubercle that gets flushed." The latter will diagnose you as having "phlyctenular conjunctivitis," which sounds pretty serious, 'cause I don't want anything happening to MY eggwhites. This website is great - diagnose yourself today! Especially if you have a Feces Disorder or a Pain in Cunnus.

 
highlight of the week: new bathrobe

Ahhh... There's nothing in the news for me to harangue about! No controversial abortion debates, no bitter diatribes regarding genetically engineered food, nothing! Well, there are all those missing children and Gee-Dub's impending strike against Iraq (which I wish the newscasters would stop pronouncing as "eye-rack".. morons) to assuage the flaccid attempt his father made over a decade ago, but that really doesn't interest me enough to hurl invectives. And I really like hurling. *sigh*
So. Um. I got a new bathrobe. Actually, it's not new. I never had one before. Maybe this ultra-boring week is preparing me for my trek to the frigid North...
Quality Blog of Alton Brown, television chef/science guy extraordinaire. I'm totally in love with this guy. Alton Brown rox.

 
mIRCy waters and reproductive rights

mIRC totally rocks my world.
Ok. The topic of the day is reproductive rights. I was watching the news today, and they were doing the "conflict your viewpoints in 5 minutes" segment where there was this lady from NOW and this smug little shit from some pro-life group (you can tell which side I'm on). The guy, whom we will refer to as Shlomo from here on out, thinks that if a girl under 18 uses contraceptives of any form, her parents should know about it. Well, you bozo Shlomo, if you tell some girl's mom and dad that she's buying condoms at the drugstore or filling her script for the Pill at her local free teen clinic, she's going to stop using her prophylactics, thereby increasing her chances of being impregnated. Duh. And then your little group will run one of those commercials that says "Life is so precious, why throw away a perfectly good baby, blah blah blah my God can beat up your God" and piss me off even more. Fools.

 
sing-a-longs with norm

I really like the song "Norman" by Sue Thompson. I don't know quite why, but it's so catchy. "Norman, ooh-ooh-ooh, Norman, mm-mm-mmhh, Norman my LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!" She's totally wild about this guy, but seems a little subservient: "Bill invited me to a show/But I said, 'No, I cannot go/There's a dress I've got to sew/And wear for Norman.'" I want to hear Norm Macdonald say "Ahh, this song blows." It'd be perfect.
Anyway. I'm going to write movie reviews, only in 17 syllables (a haiku, for the uninitiated). I've already done a few. So click this to ruminate at the Haiku Review.

 
sifting through the trash

Ok, I admit it, I enjoy reading Cosmopolitan. Turns out my roommate likes that rag too, except she thinks it's trashy and reads it because it's so corny. I told her that's why I read it too. She'd be flabbergasted to know that I have almost every issue from 1999 on.. hehe.
One of the suggestions this month is something like "If you want guys to notice you, lean back in a big stretch, blah blah blah." Well it certainly doesn't attract guys when your elbows and shoulders pop. :p Stupid creaky joints.
I love their website's "Agony" advice column: the archives go a little like this: "My Boyfriend Always Lies; My Boyfriend Hates the Way I Dress; My Boyfriend Is Cheap; My Boyfriend Is Manic Depressive; My Boyfriend Is in Jail" - it's so great. Man.. if I had a cheap, lying, manic-depressive boyfriend in jail, I'd know just where to turn. The reason I went off on this tirade in the first place is that I'm missing the March and April 2001 issues, either of which might have the answer to one of my questions. It's really sad that I can pinpoint exactly when the Q&A appeared. ... Whoa! I just found one that sounds like I wrote it... *gulp* "Recently I've been really unhappy. My main problem is that I am overweight and can't see someone ever really caring about me. I have really low self-esteem, and only one guy has ever really looked past my appearance and saw me for who I am. I am so lonely and don't know what to do. I would give anything to be thin." Holy shit. Too bad the advice sucks so much as to be useless. *sigh*

 
shopping is sux0r

<maudlin, self-pitying post deleted>

 
major kiltage! yay-hoo!

YES!! They all wore kilts today! And Leo twirled! ... Yay! And when they talked about Utilikilts.com as being the Site of the Night, Martin said "Make sure you go to UtilikiltS.com, not Utilikilt.com"... which was what I had posted on their talkback message board earlier this week! *elated*

 
a state of perpetual loserdom

According to TheSpark.com's Date-test, I'm 62% dateable, but 80% of the people who have taken it previously are more dateable than me. Maybe 'cause I'm 42% bitch. And I'm going to die on May 5, 2048, most likely from suicide (20%). What a waste of time. Maybe I should go do the laundry.

 
the multitasking experiment

Right now, I'm playing Usurper on Wasteland BBS, listening to "Bald Headed Woman" on "The Golden Age of Rock N Roll" station (Live365.com), and taking random quizzes. So, like the lamer I am, there might be a few posted here later. Maybe not. I don't like graphics. Especially when they're connected to some doofy quiz that purports to tell me who and what I am. Ooh, ooh, guess what my "inner flower" is! I'm a rose! "You're idealistic, gentle, sweet.. you may be a hopeless romantic, but your soul is as beautiful as your petals." Give me a break. I'm about as gentle and sweet as a rash. I guess that might be why my "flavor" is nuclear waste. *sigh* What have I learned from all these pointless little tests? Not much. Looks like I'm an old-school coffee drinker, a control freak, in need of a breast reduction, a hard-headed female, a tech-geek goth, and apparently also a Hamtaro.
I just found this hilarious picture on someone's LiveJournal, by way of sacrelicious.org. Which is her now-defunct website with little interesting content. Ugh. Why does everything have to suck so much? Grr. Sign up for my mailing list. I have ideas.

 
residing in a state of perpetual boredom

Something's telling me I have to go read the Hrry Pttr books one of these days. And maybe watch "Titanic." Nah, I won't go that far; I'm not a huge fan of Little Master DeCrapio.. I was just looking at the list of "Hot Titles at HCL," and J. K. Rowling's WORK IN PROGRESS Hrry Pttr and the Order of the Phoenix is still number one, captivating 1731 people who are actually going to sit around and wait until she's done writing.
So. Yeah. What do you think of the Bush picture? ... Errr....

 
it had to be done

"MmmohhHhh.. those Greens were right, this is some good stuff.. Oh, am I on camera?"

 
you know what to do

Want to know when this page has been updated? Sure you do!

 
the great trivia impasse

Anyone have suggestions as to what my next quiz on FunTrivia.com should be about? I just wrote one on mucormycosis, but that didn't go over too well. Same with the one about craniofacial anomalies. I just don't understand these people - I spend 3 or 4 hours delicately crafting a perfect quiz, and then nobody takes it. *sigh*

 
it's sing-a-long time!

I'm going to write a song about things I like. And it's going to be to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from that movie where the lady sings a lot and gives away their position to some Nazi foot soldiers.. I think it's called "The Sound of Music."

"Curtis and Kuby" on each weekday morning,
Chickpeas and bulgar and Mid-Eastern cooking,
Writing and reading and politics too,
Dah dah dah dum diddy dee dah dah doo
Well. That's an exercise in futility if I ever saw one. I'll just get back to my PB&J until something starts bothering me.

 
i swear, i'm not a terrorist

You managed to piss off western countries by killing innocent people to get you're hands on oil fields that don't belong to you! That's THEIR job, so a task force was sent to kick you up the backside. They succeeded, but you managed to make them look stupid when it was reviled that the American armed forces had somehow shot down four times as many missiles then you actually owned, and the UK was selling you guns and weapon parts while at war to use against them! So "daddy's little boy" is after you now. Considering what happened the last time, I bet you're SO scared! What tin-pot dictator are you? Take the "What Dictator am I?" test at PoisonedMinds.com

 
hoo-ray for infomercials

I saw the sweetest infomercial last night! These hucksters were selling the "Mighty Titan" titanium knife (which, if you call now, they'll include the French Chef's Knife, the Favorite Knife, 3 Paring Knives, a pair of Reebok Pumps, and 2 cases of Red Bull) which cuts through produce and hammers like nobody's business. There's even a 50 year guarantee, so if this fantastic kitchen implement shatters while you're sawing through an exhaust pipe, they'll give you a new one. My favorite part of the whole commercial, by far, is when the host takes his filet knife and slices a neat little section off a tomato. Then he divides this small bit, sticks it on a card, and says "You can even read through a tomato!" I'm sold on this. I want one of these knives. The Mighty Titan has to be one of my favorite infomercials, right up there with the amazing device that can cook a whole turkey in 15 minutes and the $150 collection of hits of the 60s sold by a former Monkee.

 
*insert witty title here*

Come one, come all, to the fantastic freak show! Actually, I just uploaded a picture of myself. It's really hard to take a self-portrait while aiming the Mavica at the bathroom mirror - see for yourself what you end up with. Why did I do this? Someone asked me to, that's why. I suppose I won't upload a new picture now for another 3 years, like last time.

 
16.9 ounces of water and two plates of watermelon

Last night, I was forced against my will to attend a baseball game. Dragged away from my precious Screen Savers to sit in the sun with some moldy old men on sticky hot bleachers.... definitely not my idea of a good time. Understandably vexed, I went, copy of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency in hand, and watched my brother's team get the crap beat out of them. These two trashy little strumpets from the opposing team came over and sat right in front of me, encroaching on my already limited footspace with their ugly leather handbags, while one of their husbands (which is not to imply each has more than one, though I wouldn't doubt it in this town) plopped down with his enormous umbrella, completely obfuscating my view of the game. Like I was going to watch, anyway. Their stupid kids spilled one of those big blue slushie-pop things all over the bleacher on the step below me, so I made a huge deal of it trying to evacuate the area. "Oh, sure, I'd go sit in the car... if I can get off the bleachers without STEPPING IN THIS SLIME!" So I went to sit in the car. The air conditioner malfunctioned because of me (I'm bad news for technology, ever since this one incident in 8th grade) and I practically died of heat stroke out there, since I don't do this whole "heat" thing. God. Why in the world would anyone actually want to intentionally laze around on a beach on a trip? I'm the kind of person who would vacation in the Arctic Circle. *shudder*

 
better than aybabtu

You know I've seen that g-d thing too many times when I refer to it by its initials.. Anyway, I found (with a little help from The Screen Savers) the greatest Flashvideo ever. It's called "Irrational Exuberance (Yatta)." Check it out.

 
oh, how i love these useless quizzes...




Take the Which
Screen Saver are you? quiz.
It's the quiz with oomph!

Created by Rachel (oomph)
and John (woobyslj)


Yeah! Leo rox! I gotta go finish watching "The Screen Savers."

 
naderlicious

Yeah. I got my copy of Unsafe at Any Speed in the mail today, another excellent purchase from eBay. Although... I paid $1.87 for shipping (media mail rulez) and the package, stamped "media mail," said $2.24 or something like that. *shrug* I heart eBay.

 
for my own amusement

Disease and Illness Info Select a topic:AllergyAlzheimer'sAnemiaArthritisAsthmaAttention DeficitBreast CancerCancerCarpal TunnelCataractsCholesterolColorectal CancerCrohn's DiseaseDiabetesDigestive IssuesEating DisordersEpilepsyFibromyalgiaFoot HealthReflux DiseaseGlaucomaGoutHIV/AIDSHair LossHeart/CirculatoryHepatitisHepatitis CHerniaHerpesHigh Blood Pres.ImpotenceInfertilityIrritable BowelKidney DiseaseLarynx / VoiceLiver CancerLupusLyme DiseaseMacular Degen.MenopauseMental HealthMesotheliomaMigraineM.S.Ovarian CancerPainParkinson'sPregnancyProstate CancerPsoriasisRestless LegsSTDsShinglesSickle CellSkin CancerStrokeYeast InfectionWeight Issues Reference tools for you • Forms for your site

 
bleh

Does anyone know where I can buy a Game Boy Color for cheap? I've looked on eBay, but the lowest is around $17 including s/h. :P

 
vegetarianism and youse

It's day number 4 of my new journey into vegetarianism. I like plants. They taste good. Too bad they're alive.
It all started about 2 or 3 years ago when I refused to eat eggs... then it was milk... then, red meat... and now, chicken and fish. I'm not in this for the whole "prevention of cruelty" thing, but I'm overweight (anyone who has ever seen me can attest to that fact), and meat has just lost its appeal. Why did I eat it in the first place? I was brought up to! When I was little, my dad would take me to McDonald's 3 or 4 times a week, where I would devour a Happy Meal with a cheeseburger. He actually encouraged me to eat meat - he went so far as to claim he was a member of PETA - "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals." *shudder* Hmm.. oh, then there's this whole vegan thing I could never do. I couldn't possibly give up my leather shoes, as ugly as they are. They've held up for more than 2 years without disintegrating or getting smelly like synthetics. I can't give up goose down - it keeps me warm in frickin' Minnesota. And as for silk, is this about "cruelty to worms" or something? I'm totally pro-earthworm, but they don't spin threads. Oh yes, I will NEVER, ever give up honey - in fact, I just ate some that I bought at the Farmer's Market this morning. Mmmm. Honey... Hey, the bees make enough of it, don't they? I've got a tube of honey lip balm in my pocket, honey, beeswax, royal jelly, propolis.. It's sure better than slathering my eating parts with the same garbage you pour into your fuel tank every day. For this, people might call me irrational (my dad alludes to such, in so many words), but I'm anti-automobile (watch out for falling tangents!). I don't even have a driver's license. I hope I never have to get one. We've come so far, human beings, the "superior" creatures on the planet, and this is the best form of transportation we can devise? Give me a break! Carpooling, I suppose, is better than driving everywhere solo, and it's how I do all my traveling. Public transportation is decent (at least in Duluth I get to ride the city bus for free), airplanes are definitely not my preferred mode of transport, and bicycling hurts my ass (never ride a bike in your pajamas.. not only does that sound difficult and awkward, it's rather painful if you ask me. If, for some bizarre reason you do, at least get a really squishy seat, like one from a tractor or a La-Z-Boy). Oh blah blah blah. I'll shut up now.

 
erin + ebay + $200 = fun

Yes, except I've only spent 54 cents so far. Is it wrong to get excited about bidding? There's 12 minutes left on this one item, and I'm really paranoid that someone will bid on it at the last minute and steal it away from me because I have a slow connection. I did that the other 3 times - first with the set of 3 Bill Nye the Science Guy books, then the Gilbert O'Sullivan CD, and then the Ralph Nader trading card. Right, right, no one in their right mind will also bid on those items, but I got all nervous anyway, like when I'm in a car that's coming up too close to the guy in front of us and.. I hope I'm not in this window typing when there's a minute left. What is this? As though I need any more books! I'm 60-odd pages into Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses, which is around 547 pages long if memory serves. That'll take me a few more days, and then I've got to read some other things, and ughhhh.. 5 more minutes... arrrr

 
crossroads, anger, stickers

I've got some printable stickers pimping my blog.. if you want them, e-mail me or leave a message after the beep (or click on the comments link, that'd work too). There's Voodoo McPickle, Captain Huge, Cranky Pope, Shrub, and Communist Dutch Boy

When he gets mad, smoke billows from his ears

(this one says "Communist Dutch Boys everywhere agree - spongepaint onomatopoeia is second to none when it comes to bitter harangues, cranky left-wing viewpoints, and the most unhealthy thoughts this side of Congress. Stop by for a little rancor and infatuation today: nrrd.blogspot.com," but it's impossible to read - at least my dad thinks so).
Anyway. I'm getting really sick and tired of the whole "chasing Ralph" thing. I mean, I'm the kind of person who wants immediate gratification in everything I do, and this just isn't cutting it. I can go buy all his books and download all his pictures (I have not done either, thank you very much), but I'm starting to feel like Amy Deveraux of Ralph Nader, Will You Marry Me? fame, and we all know what happened to her (she basically stalked Ralph for 10+ years and when she finally got to meet him and sang her little happy-Earth-joyous-energy song, he was like, "Get the hell away from me" and the security dragged her away.. and then she wrote a book). I guess Ralph's a pretty crabby guy. Can you imagine if I met him? If I didn't faint first, I would have absolutely nothing to say to him because I'd be afraid of sounding stupid (I always feel like that) and you know how g-d self-conscious I am.. *sigh* Well, I suppose it's back to eBay to bid on a cheap copy of Unsafe at Any Speed. :P

 
as promised, something worth reading

It seems that the 9th circuit court of appeals, the "most liberal court in the nation," has responded to the whiny atheist by declaring the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. Well it's about damned time! Ever hear of a little thing called "separation of church and state"? Since the words "under God" were added to the Pledge in 1954, it has been the most flagrant violation of the Establishment Clause ever! Thomas Jefferson would not approve. Take a look at the First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" - it's right there! I'm really torn between two conflicting viewpoints here - half of me says, "You fool, if you don't want your daughter saying this God-ridden oath, tell her to not say it or to mouth the words or say everything except 'under God,'" but the other half says, "Great, I'm glad someone in this country, a Republican even, has come to his senses and actually told all the Bible-bangers to shove it." I heard this preposterous fluff on Fox News today - there was this creepy-looking little guy who essentially said "Fuck all the minorities who don't believe in my God - the Pledge should be required!" He said, "The term 'under God' is so innocuous, it could refer to God for people of any faith" - what about the people with NO faith, you closed-minded, Priest-loving, pompous ass? What about all the atheists and agnostics who want to be patriotic without the spectre of your unjust Christian God looming over us? I think the Pledge of Allegiance should be a purely optional thing - if you want to say it, go right ahead. If you don't want to say "under God," if you want to use the time more constructively, then so be it! My dogmatic friend Gee-Dub thinks this issue is absurd... but can you blame him? He is a Republican, after all, and it is a lot easier to mindlessly subject oneself to pro-"family values" and pro-Christian propaganda than to actually think. Grr.

 
the biggest lack of interest since election 2000

Well, no, not really. I am asking anyone who reads this to visit www.funtrivia.com, create an account, and play my quizzes that have the rating of "Not Rated." Please. I know this is a really lame thing to ask people, but I want to see "Tough" or "Average" or "Impossible" next to these! No one really cares about Iran or Lebanon or Kierkegaard, I realize, but, but, but... *whine* Maybe later I'll post something worth reading.

 
major linkage

You have to check out this kick-ass game at WeGotCards.com... You're the struggling third-party politician who has to kiss babies and grab campaign contributions to gain popularity among the voters, amidst headline such as "Rabid Furby assaults daycare, 9 dead" and "Strange virus found in voting booth. All voters die"... On the "sleazy senator" level, I won with 261134 votes (Gore, 163680; Bush, 22). Yes, Gee-Dub got 22 votes. And he is "a bit of a dandy."

 
wtf part 2

How the hell does a blog like clitSpit2 get 2848 "I love it!" votes on BlogHop? What a piece of shit. I won't even dignify the author with a link - if you are that desperate to take a look at the low-quality, nonsensical crap that is the LiveJournal of "tung lov," you can first click on the little green smiley face at the bottom of this page, and then on "Best" at the top of the ensuing page. I wonder if the rating has something to do with "Autohits"....... I hate people who cheat. Bastards.
Anyway. As some people might already know, I'm moving to Duluth this fall. I went up there this weekend to scope out my future residence and register for classes. 16 credits all expertly planned out on my Handspring - yeah, shut up. I like Star Trek, too.

Hmm. Hey Cort -- Rodney Lain the Angry Mac Guy shot himself! Aren't you just crushed? :/

Heh - Tony Hawk's wife's name is Erin. Cool stuff. Tony Hawk is hott. But his website sucks.

 
you are all philistines

Hey, all you creeps from BlogHop - you HATE my blog? What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you recognize quality, cogent thinking when you see it? Would you rather have me prattle incessantly on how much I love some shallow boy-band or why it would be "totally cool and oh my gosh" to hook up with a hot guy or three?
It seems you're all too chicken to even post a comment explaining your vehement opposition to the spongepaint. If you have a problem, express it - what does it look like I'm doing right now? Chickenshits! Chickenshits! Lazy, stupid people!
Hey, I think I could write a song about that:
You People Are Chickenshits
To the tune of "Yesterday"

Chickenshit
That's a word for folks like you
Can't voice complaints, 'cause you're afraid
Oh, I think you're just ignorant
Chickenshit
Can't face the fact that mine was tops
Rather than something - "ClitSpit"?
Oh God, you're dumb, what can I say?
Why say my blog is bad
When you've had
Nothing but chickenshit
Yes, chickenshit, that's what you are...

 
frisking Algore

Haha.. Algore got frisked twice last week and was "'more than happy' to cooperate." Looks like someone hasn't been getting any action from good 'ol Tipper..
More: There was a quote on the cartoons page in Newsweek that said something about "standing in line at the airport and seeing Al Gore's unmentionables." Hmm. They sure frisked him good. This incident also reminded me of a song, pilfered from Napster back in the day, called "I Wanna Rape Al Gore."
... "I'm not drunk, and I'm not gay
I can't help if I feel this way ...
Tipper's in front, and I'm in back
Al's bending over - I like it like that" ... this is a terrible song, but download it anyway. :P

 
world is crushed

How could sweet, delicious SLEEP be bad? I'm gonna die! Big deal if I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs - sleeping 12 hours per night'll be the end of me.
And no, Doc Gottlieb, I do not have sleep apnea. There is no underlying condition and there is nothing wrong with my quality of sleep, at least. Ever hear of my little statistical friend called the "confounding variable"? Maybe the people who slept for a long time already had heart disease - you'll notice they oh-so-conveniently left out that information. I think this is some kind of crazy right-wing pro-8-hours-of-sleep-per-night conspiracy.
Sleep is good... mmm... sleep... zzzz...

 
trivialities

Buh. If you get really bored, play some of my quizzes at www.funtrivia.com. Includes such gems as Elementary Quantum Mechanics, Klaus Kinski Trivia, and the effervescent Panoply of Trivia series. Seriously, play them if only to humor me. Please? I promise there aren't any quizzes about Ralphie (yet)..

 
rubber chickens rock my world

I just found what could quite possibly be the greatest picture ever at www.splattereffect.com... this is totally going on the bulletin board in Duluth

 
dangerous infatuation

Sounds like a prospective blog title... and speaking of, I thought I'd relate the origin of the name "spongepaint onomatopoeia." It all started in late 2001, in Ms. Virginia Carstens' Fiction and Poetry Workshop class. If you ever read this, Virgie, I despise you with an all-consuming hatred. Anyway. One of our journal entries that morning was to list as many adjectives and nouns as possible in five minutes. I filled up three columns on one side of the page and got bored since there was about 4 minutes and 30 seconds left, so I began stringing together random words. I had "meaningless blond god," "sponge paint onomatopoeia," "televised dreams," "drowning Lascelles," and "oxygen-breathing ego drool." Novel. I sauntered up to the white board, clutching a rather malodorous dry-erase marker in my right hand, and meticulously scribed my pièce de résistance upon the glossy surface. I thought the phrase seemed euphonious, and it was mine. Forever. MUAHAHAHAHAaha ok, that's enough. I do like the "ego drool," however......
Damn these posts are getting long. Well, as long as I have my readership of one, it's all right. Right?
If you've perused the other drivel on this page, you'll see that I heart Ralph. But why? What about his tired eyes, his greying hair, his timeworn visage, attracts me so? He is the dark, Middle-Eastern type I go for.... but he is almost 4 times as old as me. I have a copy of the Ralph Nader Reader that I unfortunately have to return the the library in a week or so, and it's lying on the floor beside my bed. That's sick, don't even think that. God, I know your type. It's just that.. I could stare at his picture for hours. And it's not just the physical attraction here - this guy is damn smart (slow reading, but damn smart). He did go to Harvard, though.. that's no good. I don't think he liked it there. Jesus Christ - someone buy me this book before I go crazy!
STOP ME! AHHHHHHH!

 
our senior prank was burning down the library

Hey, Lindsey, thanks for the job offer... I'll look into it.
Anyway, I keep seeing these articles about senior pranks - when are these kids going to learn? I just can't see how some people get off

Is this a student from Central Falls?

spreading manure on the floor and lockers, setting white mice free to roam the hallways, and bustin' down the walls (see Prank sours high school graduation, Pawtucket Times, 11 Jun 2002). The students are outraged that they might get a "diploma case without a diploma in it," but what do they expect? You can't spread wanton destruction and feces around your alma mater and not expect some kind of repercussion. The trio of valedictorians is going to be stripped of that "privilege" and the fine, upstanding students of Central Falls who participated in the "prank" are getting kicked out of National Honor Society (like it's some big fucking deal to be in it in the first place). There's 4 students in NHS. That's pathetic... or honest, because my half of my senior class was in it.
Lil' Sandy Restrepo sez "We worked too hard for four years to get a blank diploma" - if you dumbshits are so gd brilliant, why did you do this? You worked for four years just to fuck everything up a few days before you graduate? Suck it up and pay for the ridiculously stupid things you've done now, ya bastahds.

 
bleh

I need a job.

 
awake at 6 pm. bruises on hand.

As you might be able to tell from Lindsey's ecstatic comment on the previous post, we gradyated. The valedictorian's (there were two of them) speech was so full of shit - they copied the whole thing off the internet. It had the parents practically rolling in the aisles with laughter, though. I think the part that really got me was when the choir got up there and sang some tune with unintelligible lyrics. I remembered when I was in choir in freshman year, and I sang so low that the teacher threatened to kick me out. Well, she's gone now and the choir room is now used to teach psychology. But I could not believe how incredible the choir sounded - actually, it really just sounded like Peter and Missy, the two most vocal people in the entire district. When we lined up to traipse across stage and receive our diploma (which was a leather-bound diptych with a picture of the school as it was in 1952, prior to the evil years of construction, and a copy of the Desiderata, attributed to the wrong guy), I was afraid I'd trip and break my teeth or something like that. Delo, the announcer-guy, mispronounced my name, which was more embarrassing than any stumble - it's not that difficult to pronounce! Look at the g-d surname before you say it! I wrote the phonetic pronunciation on the card! Grr. Anyway, I clambered down from the stage and went back to my seat, watched everyone else walk across and have their name pronounced correctly, and after the ceremony was over, I walked around looking for friends. I found Mike, who was desperately searching for his mortarboard, and after helping him look for it (to no avail, but he did take about 32 tassels) went outside to board the buses to the "senior party." What a sham. We went to the Mall of America and stayed there, locked within the confines of Camp Snoopy, until 6 AM. I spent the whole night walking around, playing arcade games, and getting sick on rides, with my ex-boyfriend Alex, my friend of 13 years James, the mortarboardless Mike, and his friend Chris. Apparently James doesn't like me anymore because of a Spanish project from last year. Well BOO HOO - you passed the class, didn't you? Stop whining. Oh, and Alex is evidently "still interested" in me though I know he's just using me to get back at Karen, some theater girl he messed around with a few months ago. Hey, pal, we broke up 2 years ago - you've "had feelings for me" that whole time? Give me a break. Can we say "rebound"? Jeez... can he tell I've been single the whole time? God I'm pathetic. Anyway, I got home at 6:30 AM with my duffel bag full of goodies (my door-prize was a bag of makeup, which is ironic because I don't wear any... makes me wonder how they chose who got what prize - Alex and James, two tech-savvy guys, got a gift cert to Best Buy and a printer, respectively, and Mike got a box of office supplies.. some of my other friends got DVDs when they don't even have a DVD player, and some lucky person unknown to me got a laptop computer.. like anyone in this godforsaken city needs something more to add to their collection) and fell asleep. I didn't get up until about 6 PM, and I realized I had a hugenormous emerald and lavendar bruise on the back of my hand, that hurt like a sombitch. Ok, well, this post is getting awfully long and I have to go thaw out some meat. It's not for me.

 
birthday fun

Yeah. Yesterday was my birthday. I woke up at 7:30 AM, drove out to St. Paul with Andrew, got lost numerous times en route, got to the picnic shelter 20 minutes late, got about 10 pounds of literature pimping some guy named Chuck who wants to be our senator, and got lost some more. Got attacked by some chickens and nearly died of heat exhaustion (not really, but I was close). Came home, wasted time playing LORD and other such games, and went out to eat. What a worthless day. Anyway, check out the Birthday Web to wish other people a happy b-day.

 
why i shouldn't be wasting my time playing games

I've spent the past few weeks devoting my time to absolutely nothing, save the occasional politics paper. Books are good; at least I still remember how to read. I'm in the middle of Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio, which is about a girl who has Tourette syndrome. There I contemplated drafting a more comprehensive review, but it would seem that I have forgotten all the fine points of writing. What's wrong with me? *scream*
Aside from my sudden agraphia, something else is bothering me. First, I can't recall anything medical (don't give me any credit for remembering "agraphia"), and second, I read something quite disturbing in my genetically-modified foods book. Something about cows treated with recombinant bovine growth hormone (rBGH) to produce more milk, developing mastitis (an "udder infection") and secreting pus into their milk. I just put milk in my coffee, and I swear I can taste the pus swirling about in big yellow globules, adhering to the sides of this White Castle mug, smacking against my lips as I drink.. uhhhhh.. *vomits* Hey, Cleavon Little and I have the same birthday. Well, I wasn't born in 1939, but it's the same day anyway. Pus is gross.
Tomorrow's my birthday. Send me some cards and flowers and money. My ideal gift would be to meet Ralph Nader and oh, I dunno, jump his bones. Yeah. Heh heh.
My God. I've done nothing but talk about Ralph Nader for the past two weeks. This is NOT cool at all. Help me, please, psychoanalyze me, send a letter to Cosmo, send a letter to your Congressman, send a letter to my Congressman... can't get him out of my head... I hope someone from the Green Party reads this, calls Ralph, and says "Hey, there's some chick in Minnesota who wants to... do stuff with you." Maybe that's not a great idea. He'd be like, "Oh, does she want to take a tour of a slaughterhouse? That would be ideal. Then we can go back to my spartan bachelor's pad and read books for hours, and then I could talk about the WTO and tort reform. I wish more young people were interested in politics." I'd be lucky if I even got that. I'm hopeless and he's single - come on. :P

 
another humorous diversion

If you've a telnet program on your computer, go to InterplexBBS and play Legend of the Red Dragon (LORD). Now. I used to play this about 6 years ago (during the hey-day of BBSs) and that fateful day I couldn't connect to Reptilian's Revenge or SquishyBBS, well, I knew I was in trouble. The other day I got a hankering for LORD, so I found Interplex Domain. Good times. In case you actually do plan on playing, I'm Spader in LORD, Praecox in Darkness, and Fideaux in DogWorld. Boy I'm a loser.
P.S. Lindsey -- thank you for visiting ;)

 
"abortions tickle"

I'm distributing literature advocating some pro-choice senatorial candidate Saturday morning... the same Saturday morning that happens to be the morning of my birthday! Yeah. I've been going around telling people that I'm going to marry Ralph Nader, and they're like, "Ralph who?" The ones who do know who I'm talking about all wish me luck, because they don't know if I'm kidding or not. I don't know if they're kidding either. :P I get to do a presentation about third-party politics and their societal implications in politics tomorrow. Sigler will have an aneurysm when she sees my "Bush and Gore make me want to Ralph!" t-shirt. Haha.

 
going for the green

So... I took the Political Party Matchmaker again, and now I'm apparently a "Green Libertarian" (both were a 60% match). Funny thing, that. In January I thought I was a Repug.. in February, I thought I was a Repug for Choice.. in March, I thought I might be a right-leaning Independent.. In April, I thought I was a hardcore centrist.. In May, I thought I was a Libertarian.. Ok, it's still May, but it would appear as though I am becoming increasingly more leftist. At this rate, will I be a Communist by the end of June? No, I won't, because Communism doesn't work. I figured it all out. I was so proud of myself. See, the proletariat wants to overthrow the bourgeoisie, but when the former rises to power, doesn't it then become the latter? People are too capricious to actually follow through with the tenets of Communism as set forth on paper. Now the former bourgeoisie, which I will denote as "bourgeoisie prime" or "bourgeoisie'," has become the new working class, and the whole idea was for the working class to overthrow the bourgeoisie, but if the bourgeoisie has become the working class, the former working class has become the bourgeoisie, and.. um.. yeah.

 
my favorite muckraker

Yes.
I think I'm a Green.
I want Ralph Nader.........*cough* for President.
Oh God. Is it wrong to be infatuated with someone who is 50 years older than me?

Well, in other news.. 4 of my friends threw me a surprise birthday party last night at CheepSkate. I almost cried because no one has ever done anything like that for me.
Ok, I found what could quite possibly be the coolest Flash game created: Quest for the Presidency -- Build Your Own Candidate. The caricature of John McCain is downright frightening and Al Gore looks like Butthead, but it's an awesome game nevertheless. The only problem is if you don't want to add, say, Gee-Dub's lips to Algore's forehead, there's no way to make them disappear from the screen. You could give Bill Bradley four eyes if you were so inclined (the Bush face with the McCain mouth down and slightly off center reminds me of the Bill Clinton on Conan O'Brien)...

 
*brain liquefies*

I've just spent about 3 hours clicking on pictures at What's Better?... the pictures I've submitted there are Søren Aabye Kierkegaard (naturally, I mean, what'd you expect?), Fireworks accident, Silly Pope, Rubber Uterus Disk, ick, Now Hiring, Mullet spoon boy, and Unhappy Pills. The accident picture is almost in the top 10 for today, which is pretty cool.

Update: The highest the accident picture ever reached for the day was number 3, just behind some naked woman and something equally uninteresting.

 
psa

Well, I noticed that about half of the people who come to this page are looking for an example of an onomatopoeia. So.... as a public service, I will provide you with a compilation of choice onomatopoetic words.
An onomatopoeia is a word that imitates the sound they denote. Some examples include:

• plop
• fizz
• boing
• buzz
• squish
• murmur
• hiss
• tintinnabulate
• snap
• crackle
• pop

About 30% of the people searched for "strep throat penis." Yeah, that's possible. It's pretty gross, but possible. You might want to take a look at eMedicine - Strep Throat (registration occasionally required) or Gall et al., "Pathogen spectrum of urethritis in the man." (what! down with the man! raaawk)

As for "my political orientation," check out 3pc.net's Political Party Matchmaker. It's not as short as the one at self-gov.org, but it gives better results.

 
i want to live in the library

There was a book sale at the library today. I showed up there at 7 this morning to help bring the books out and put them on the table and carts and such. My back hurts like a bitch. Lumbar pain notwithstanding, I did manage to snatch quite a few choice tomes, including The International Encyclopedia of Science and Technology (retail: $49.95, my price: $1), Big Trouble, A Kierkegaard Anthology (finally! damn), and Essays in Existentialism. I'm still waiting to pick up my Nader books that I have on hold, though. Disappointing. I'll have to wait until Monday.

 
warning: speculation

Buh. Did anyone watch "ER" last night? Those little kids have monkeypox. It's soooooo obvious.
Monkeypox is caused by an orthopoxvirus: check.
Monkeypox is clinically identical to smallpox: check.
Monkeypox is caused by the inhalation of airborne droplets: check.
Monkeypox is prevalent in central Africa: check.

The parents, presumably born prior to 1980, were vaccinated for smallpox, another orthopox icky (why they were unaffected). The ages of the boy and girl were 10 and 5, respectively, giving them NO immunity whatsoever. Blah blah blah. I don't care. It's all just speculation anyway.

 
that's g-r-o-s gross


Which Piercing are you?
No I'm not! That's gross. I hate body piercings. Why did I even take this quiz?

 
something is seriously wrong here

Really, there is: I've suddenly taken an interest in politics. What the hell...? I am writing a research paper on third parties for my politics class, but why am I so enamored by this? Maybe it's my thing for Ralph Nader or my reading 600 pages from the textbook in a little less than a day and half, but there's something fascinating about all this. I even found the greatest resource for the politically homeless - 3pc.net's Political Matchmaker quiz. According to my answers, I could take up residence within any of these:

1. Libertarian Party
2. Constitution Party (which, I believe, is NOT synonymous with the Constitutional Action Party, a group of a-holes who think abortion is "an insult to the Author of Life" - and they say religion doesn't play a role in choosing a party! bah)
3. Reform Party
4. Republican Party (I don't go for major parties, so you can't have the URL to this either)
5. Democratic Party (see #4)
6. Green Party
7. Natural Law Party.

Why I am not a Republican: the whole "family values" thing. I don't care much for religion and I am far too strongly pro-choice for this party, but the economic things appeal to me. I favor less immigration (and I did prior to 9/11, so shut up) and less funding for welfare programs (it's their fault - they need to deal with it without a "mommy" government). Republicans are too militant and angry. Like my politics teacher.
Why I am not a Democrat: the whole "liberal" thing. Democrats, overall, strike me as very passive, whiny people who like to please everyone and avoid problems rather than just dealing with them. I am pro-choice and I don't mind gays, but I think most of the Democratic stances on the economy just plain lick balls.

 
we should "freak" on her

Going along with the article that attempts to correlate teen drinking and general misbehavior with body piercing, there's that one about the "vilified" teacher who lifted up skirts at a dance.. you know the story. She claims her career has gone down the crapper for "trying to protect [her] students" and that her actions were not a "choice of underwear issue." How is invading their privacy protecting them? What a fascist. Apparently school dances are now held in darkened gymnasia where "students simulate sex" (excellent use of alliteration, by the way) and Mrs. Rita Wilson, the panty police, wants to prevent "freak" dancing in this "dark frantic environment." At least their bottoms would be covered. Newsflash, Captain Crotch Control: no one goes to school dances! They suck! No one cares! If students are going to simulate sex, they do it in the back of a car or in a bedroom in a house where the parents are "out on business." I'm definitely not pro-thong (I spent my entire childhood trying to prevent my underwear from crawling up my butt, and it turns out that guys think that's hott), I think there's only about 4 people in the world who look good in them, but this is no good. Granted, the First Amendment doesn't function in schools, but there is nothing that favors undressing your students to see if they're wearing "inappropriate" undergarments.
Wilson: "Watch out, she's wearing a thong! She might... she might... arouse someone with that! Watch out!"
Calif. Panty Check Teacher Says She 'Vilified', Yahoo! News, Sat May 11 (I don't know who wrote this headline, which is copied here verbatim from the top of the article, but it looks like whomever did took a course in Ebonics, yo)

 
ego waffles

Take my quiz! Now! It's called Which of Erin's CDs are you?. And then visit the Robot Rock Critic.

I am They Might Be Giants! The best thing to come out of New York in over 20 years. Best known for their eccentric repetoire of infectious tunes and their composition of the score for Malcolm in the Middle, the duo of John and John is melodic, individual, and parent-friendly. Which of Erin's CDs are you?

 
no correlation, you twit

I found an article on Yahoo! that attempts to correlate body piercing with truancy, smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex. Nice try, you fascists. I know tons of people who are pierced in one way or another, and they're no more likely than I AM to do any of the above activities. And who doesn't cut class?

 
i like boys

New website of mine: The World Wide Nigel Hunt (WWNH). Visit if you are named Nigel.

 
hoo-ray for 70s pop

I got my Gilbert O'Sullivan CD yesterday, after much waiting. No one seems to share my enthusiasm. Wonder why.
I won't bog down this post with any song lyrics, so you can thank me for that.

 
"poison-tipped nipples were a perennial favorite"

This is called "being bored off one's ass."

• If you ever need to know what to call someone from Maine, a feller from Utah, or perhaps a Massachusetts native, the United States GPO Style Manual 2000 will provide you with hours of rapturous literary lovin'. I think "Massachusettsan" is a mouthful, though.
  
• My local library has a listing of "Hot Titles," and at the very top is J.K. Rowling's work-in-progress Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. There are currently 1,561 holds, or about 3% of the population of this city.
  
• Today my math teacher said his wife told him that she would "rather give birth than have a headache for a week."
  
• Time for some shameless self promotion... visit luxurious Random's Gate to cavort with the UNIX and eat tasty pudding.
  
• Ooh. Free laminated logs. You get one of these babies and you're set for life.
  

Blah blah blah.

 
like a twinkie filled with no-doz

I can't tell whether I'm awake or not. My eyes are open, I don't feel tired, my intellect is not blunted (not as much as usual, I guess), and I'm full of flan. Not really, but I was this morning. I got 2 hours of sleep last night and I haven't had any decent coffee yet and it's almost 6 PM! What's going on?

 
i also hate everything

Hey. That orc looks like a profile of McPickle. Cool.
I think, because I'm in such a bad mood right now, that I will list things that irritate me. And things I hate. And such.

• Prom. Living down the street from a high school, prom is all I ever hear about. And you know what? If that boy wants to poison the punch, let him. No skin off my back.. or nose.. or teeth.. or whatever body part is used in that cliché.
  
• Rum cordials that are the same size, shape, weight, and color as paintballs. You only know when you bite in.
  
• Transsexuals who are more attractive than I am. This includes pretty much all of them. Even the ones with mustaches.
  
• Mispronunciations.

  <soapbox> I am so friggin' sick of people who mispronounce common words! I may not be the world's greatest orthoepist (which, admittedly, is kinda hard to pronounce), but dammit, I know faulty diction when I hear it. My politics teacher is truly horrendous in this category: her biggest offenders (along with her pronunciations) are ideology (id-ee-ah-lo-gee), guru (GAH-roo), parboil (purr-boil), and a few others. Sure, she's a Republican from Texas, but that doesn't excuse her from... well, maybe it does. I dunno. My psychology teacher, though, is the worst (I've been keeping track of these in my notes for the class): myriad (my-rad), salivate (sav-uh-late), nucleus (noo-cyoo-luss), synapse (sigh-nops), corpus callosum (cuh-lah-sum), thalamus (tholl-uh-mus), myelin (my-lon), node of Ranvier (rainier), verbiage (verb-idge), escape (ex-cape), mnemonic (pneumonic or mem-om-ic), fugue (phage), and wash (worsh). It gets worse every day. He also can't differentiate between chartreuse and magenta, and doesn't realize that when you're speaking re: someone else, you say "in regard to." I think I will photocopy all these words and their proper pronunciations and tape the compendium to his door. </soapbox>
  

 
well, it's true.... bridget says i have low standards


I fancy Orcs.
Looks mean nothing to me.
Which culture from Middle-Earth do you fancy?
By Hannah and Dani

 
is this the best way to place these headlines?

 
hoo-ray for ganondorf

I am Ganondorf I love nothing more then power, and I'll lie, steal, and kidnap my way into getting it. I don't care much for competition and I'll eliminate it if possible. I do tend to be over confident after I reach my goals. What SSBM character are you?

 
MIT beaver rapes statue, loses foot

This one doesn't involve any disturbing old men, but it does involve a horny beaver who loses a foot in a hack attack. This story is rife with innuendo and drunken genital-grabbing - a must read. Sez Erin Rhody: "I was too busy holding up the beaver ... we could have stopped [him]."

 
75 does not go into 10

Eww. This is the most disgusting story I have ever read. The Connecticut Post reported that a 75-year old man impregnated a 10-year old girl AND she intends to keep the baby. Ick ick ick ick ick ick ick. *vomits*

Update: the link doesn't work and I can't find anything about it anywhere. But there was a quote from the trial in Newsweek recently. Hmm.

 
oops, i just killed myself. sorry

Why is everyone so stupid? Why do they let these people into law school, med school, public? Grr. Get off my lawn.
There's an article on Yahoo! News about an acne-ridden boy who flew a stolen Cessna into the Bank of America building in Tampa. Ok, no news there, that was in January. Now his parents are suing Hoffman-La Roche Pharmaceuticals because they believed his acne medication Accutane (isotretinoin) caused him to become suicidally depressed. There's apocryphal evidence to support that claim. But the Bishop family's lawyer Michael Ryan says, "Our suit alleges that Hoffman-La Roche has known that this drug causes spontaneous suicide and depression" (emphasis mine). What exactly is spontaneous suicide? You're just walking along and all of a sudden "oops, I just killed myself."
I'll give you your brains from my fridge if you promise to... never mind, you're never getting them back.

 
olivary segregation

Ok. I cleaned out the refrigerator today and found some really interesting things. There was a Tupperware container filled with green and black olives, which in spite of being completely horizontal when I found it, had somehow managed to segregate all the olives into one half of the container... and there was a jar of lingonberry jam, which someone oh-so-cleverly changed to "clingonberry" jam... a jar of beef gravy that I was actually afraid to open because the mold was starting to seep out from under the lid (such colors, too)... and how could I forget the lemons with their highly acidic sticky brown secretions, whose rind had molded so much they were nigh indistinguishable from limes...

Law of Refrigerator Ablution: Never store anything too close to the light.
Corollary: Never trust a non-Tupperware container that "burps."

 
now you die

God. These titles keep getting worse and worse.
Anyway. I just went to longtolive.com and found out that statistically, I should die on Saturday, July 22, 2073 at 9:59:33 PM. I'm marking my calendar.

I'm still laughing about cogitabundous.

 
the greatest word on earth

I think I have just found the greatest word in the English language, a potential solution to the "-dous" word problem, with no definition to be found on the Internet: cogitabundous. It sounds best when pronounced "ko-gee-tuh-bun-dus," although I'm sure that isn't how it is truly spoken. It just sounds cool. Cogitabundous. Cogitabundouscogitabundouscogitabundouscogitabundous.

 
los 'mericanos

This is astonishingly embarrassing. While seeking to unsubscribe from the Isla Tortuga mailing list (my Spanish is not as good as it used to be), I found a map from CNN, dated 9/25/2001, which was the host of a very flagrant error. Look for yourself, and tell me, where exactly is Switzerland? The Perry-Castanada Library Map Collection has an excellent map of Europe, in case you can't tell from the one on www.pasarelaip.com. Nosotros 'mericanos no sabemos geografia. Caramba.

 
i show you where to stick that poll

Here's even more outrageous crap! Another Yahoo! article, Public Opposes Human Cloning, has the "results" of a "poll" done by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press (only in America, kids). They claim that 77% of the people polled think scientific experimentation on cloning human beings is bad and "said they oppose it because it is morally wrong." They also claim that "those who support federal funding [are] most influenced by media reports, while those opposed [are] most influenced by their religious beliefs." I want to know who these Pew a-holes asked - 2,002 of the nation's stupidest, white-trashiest, fence-straddling, Bible-banging "adults," I presume? Why is everyone and everything in this God-forsaken country related to religion in some way? People invented God because they needed a scapegoat.... mindlessly following this Christian ideal and proselytizing to the "heathens".... no wonder you're called a "flock" - you're all SHEEP! Baaah for me, sheep!

 
god you people are stupid

Grr. I hate anti-stem cell, anti-cloning, anti-choice bastards. They oppose stem cell research because "it is wrong to destroy a human embryo, no matter how early it is and no matter what the reason" (President Bush Leads Push to Outlaw Clone Research, Yahoo! News, Tue Apr 9 2002). But it's ok to destroy the embryos of other animals? And yes, humans are animals. If you eat eggs, you're destroying the embryo of a chicken - the yolk sac, albumen, chalazae, and all the various proteins, fats, carbs, and such would make a chicken or a rooster if not prematurely plucked from the warmth of their mother's behind and processed. If you are so GD vehement in your opposition to embryolysis (not sure if that's a real word or not, but it is now 'cause I said so), stop eating eggs. See how long you can last without eggs. They're in everything - everything from your morning omelette to your Hollandaise sauce to breads and pastries and GET A NEW ARGUMENT OR I'LL ABORT YOU

 
sounds like a hell of a problem

I just found a hot pink "poster" I filched from a not-so-local high school, "informing" us of the plight of the Afghan women (I have an Afghan on my couch.... hmm). It reads, "As of '98, only 20% of all hospital beds in Afghanistan were available for women. Women are also banned from seeing male doctors, family planning, or being operated on by surgical teams with male members" [sic]. I wonder if the kid who wrote that was paying attention.

 
with my luck, they'd probably shred the application

 
burnout

I took the MAPP Assessment the other week to determine what careers I should pursue... so, now I'm on their mailing list and in addition to a buttload of spam, I got a message today warning me of "burnout." Here's their list of early warning signs:
chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, etc (yep)
anger at those making demands (always)
self-criticism for putting up with the demands (I'm such a loser)
cynicism, negativity, and irritability (everyone calls me Daria)
exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things (what are you looking at?)
frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances (*pffffftt*)
weight loss or gain (I have a huge ass)
suspiciousness (leave me alone you creeps)
feelings of helplessness (please don't leave me alone)
    increased degree of risk taking
    a sense of being besieged
    sleeplessness and depression
    shortness of breath

Oh hark - these signs are also characteristic of several mental disorders! And recall from the Personality Disorders Test, I am no paragon of psychiatric health. Either I'm on my way to total burnout or I'm paranoid schizoavoidodependent compulsive.

 
shut the hell up you whiny bitch

God. I just went to "blehbleh"'s blog for some odd reason and all she does is whine about being fat. Just shut the fuck up. You are boring. Do you really think anyone cares what you had for lunch today? That you think some disgusting, emaciated, anemic waif whose sternum sticks out further than her tits has a PERFECT FIGURE? And in any case, 1000 calorie/day diets are for people who are morbidly obese - not for bitchy girls who can't bear the thought of weighing 150 lbs. NO ONE CARES.
Thank you.

 
the end of the world is nigh... not really

All right, people, get ready to pack your bags and embark on a mass exodus - on March 16, 2880, the giant killer asteroid "1950 DA" will make its 15th pass through the Earth's orbit with a 1 in 300 chance of hitting this pirouetting oblate spheroid. Watch your ass.

 
here goes nothing...

What a dumb expression. Anyway, I'm switching to www.bravepages.com because Geoshitties is discontinuing their free FTP service tomorrow. Hopefully all goes well.... and the new addy for this page will be nrrd.bravepages.com. Oooh. Exciting.

 
ok, he's "vertically challenged and has an adipose tissue accumulation disorder"

Here's one about Pierre dü Fromage, the irritable morbidly obese midget:
"When Pierre found out he had a benign tumor on his pituitary gland that prevented the secretion of human growth hormone, he was only 8 years old and had barely reached the lofty height of three feet, six inches. As he matured, he became depressed because everyone in school was almost three feet taller than him, and he waxed irritable. Pierre also did not speak a lick of English, and being in Fall River, Massachusetts with all the Portuguese kids further complicated the situation. When he walked down the hallways of the school, people would point and laugh at the tiny man. Pierre would kick them in the shins and bite them on the buttocks until they stopped teasing him. He felt ostracized from the rest of society, and since there was no circus in Fall River, he secluded himself in his room and solaced himself with food. Pierre found he did not like people too much, and would complain about them every chance he got."

More: "One morning, Pierre awoke and found himself sleeping on a bench in a subway. He wondered how he had woken up yet still found himself sleeping, but he chalked it up to the alcohol. .... He started screaming obscenities in French and struggling against the swarm of people, but he knew if he bit anyone's buttocks, they'd have him lynched."

 
adventures in journalism

I found my writing journal from last semester's terribly dull writing class (which I failed, consequently, because I did not go too often). Here's a page.
Prompt: "Raphael walks out of the Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C., with a 2 million year old phalanx in his pocket."
Me: "Raphael is a not-so-notorious drug smuggler from Colombia. His latest 'shipment,' which happened to be 30 tons of pure, unadulterated cocaine, also happened to get on a different flight than Raphael, and was lost somewhere in the vicinity of Hoboken, New Jersey. Raphael was lost somewhere in the vicinity of the Washington Monument. So Raphael is wandering around downtown D.C. with a smile on his weatherbeaten caramel face and a sack of the aforementioned cocaine in a strategic location. He strolled nonchalantly past the ticket counter at the Museum of Natural History and found himself in the primate exhibit listening to some vapid young woman ask where a phalanx was located.* He stared vacantly at the Ardipithecus and Australopithecus specimens, and as he bent to read the placard, he noticed a small, short bone just past the security bar. He picked it up and walked out, completely unaware of what he had just done. At least that's what he told the police."

* This vapid young woman was my teacher, who, in addition to spelling the word "phalange," also asked me where it was.

 
although you are nude, i will not write your biography

I don't know what the hell is going on.

 
sweet, sweet nedstat...

Haha. On the NedStat site-tracking deal at the bottom of the 'ol blog here, it says

Forecast for today
	On average 7 percent of the daily visits are made before 11:48. Based on the number of visitors of 3 today so far, today your site may have 41 page views (+/- 22).

Forty-one pages views? That'd be the day. I like how it also says "+/- 22," that makes me feel very optimistic and frankly euphoric about the relative popularity of this blog. Ah, shut up. I hope they don't hit me for stealing that chunk of code there. Hey, I don't see a copyright or anything.. maybe it's intellectual property... but then again, anyone could have come up with the code, so it's not really theirs to begin with. It really belongs to the W3C, because they made the code. Or maybe it belongs to Algore. Or that guy who "created the internet" to share his papers with colleagues. So it's his. Sorry bub, it's mine now. I'd make the world's worst lawyer.

 
dear sweet jesus

ME? Yeah right! ME Britney Spears!? *maniacal laughter*

Now you do it. Take the"which pop sensation are you" quiz, Elton.

 
why i don't survey much

Ugh. Those losers at NPD treat me like I'm a teenager. Here's an excerpt from the last survey I did:
Them: Duh, tell us any thoughts you have about money!
Me: The city in which I live is filled with money-hungry, God-fearing, white Scandinavian imports. I am a poor atheist Italian. And they say there is no class system in America! What a lie! There is as much class division as there was in 18th century France. The chasm between rich and poor grows larger every day: once you become destitute you stay there; rarely do we encounter an affluent who has fallen from grace (except perhaps in the Enron debacle, but I won't go there).
Har har har.

 
tragedy

My brother's friend Richard died last night from a stroke. I didn't even know the guy and I cried when I heard of his passing. It all seems so surreal; I'd always heard so much about him and I met him once at the Target where he worked, and to think his short life had suddenly been extinguished by a clump of fibrinogen is heart-breaking. I wish I could have gotten to know the fragile young man Richard....
I don't feel quite up to posting anything humorous right now.

 
heathens!

On the Famous Name Recognition Test, by the same people who brought you the Personality Disorder Test below, only 27% of the people who participated knew who Søren Kierkegaard was! More people knew who Bronson Pinchot is.... and more people were familiar with Walt Disney than with Jesus. Shades of the pack-rat dinner party, I tells ya.
NEW: Me whining about that other 73%.
Also, D. Anthony Storm's website devoted to Kierkegaard, in case you are part of that other 73%.

 
they call me "paranoid schizoavoidodependent compulsive"

Just as Tiger Woods coined the term "Cablinasian" to describe his ethnicity, I have the above to describe my mental status.
Here is the results of a test I took a little while ago:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High

Think you're crazy too? Then click your butt over to the Personality Disorder Test and we can compare results. And switch medications.

 
more uteri

So, I got my uterus the other day, and I still can't figure out what its purpose is. Click here to take a look. If you have any idea what the heck this is used for, e-mail me at napkintosh@TOMSUX.yahoo.com (deleting the TOMSUX, of course.. this is to deter bots).

 
no one cares

My politics teacher today compared Dukakis and Reagan to Mutt and Jeff. NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 60 KNOWS WHO MUTT AND JEFF ARE, NOR DO THEY CARE. *cough* Thank you.

 
what's that fishy smell?

Uhhhhhhhh. I went to the Asian market downtown this afternoon, and the entire store smelled like an overturned Biffy. I also went to Bill's Stale Store and bought, among other things, a can of squid. Yeah yeah yeah, a can of squid... I just wanted to try it. When I got home I rinsed the putrid grey slime off the squid (for about 20 minutes, and my hands still have a sardine-like odor and texture), cut up the tube-part (the head?), and sauteed it. Mixed it with some pasta and tomatoes.. drizzled some Balsamic vinegar on top.. crumbled some Bulgarian feta over it... mmmm... I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE SQUID

 
*gutteral sound*

Ohh yeah, woo woo woo: on the Site Statistics page for the 'ol blog here, under "top web addresses viewed before coming to your page," 0.06% of all 20 unique visitors came from http://www.leoville.com/mt/archives/000280.shtml! Woo woo woo! (that's not a train noise, shut up)

 
more on rubber uterus disks

I ordered one today. It will be sent out "no later than March 18, 2002," so expect some pictures soon. I think the uterus disk is a diaphragm for demonstrations (e.g. 10th grade health class), but I was really hoping for a coaster or something. That'd be cool.
Anyway.. I've got strep throat again. What the hell is wrong with me? Argh.

 
just a thought...

Why is eugenics such a bad idea? We keep people alive just for the sake of having them there - take, for example, the young couple who learns their son has a condition largely incompatible with life, say, hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The left ventricle is underdeveloped, so the right one takes over. Since the ductus arteriosus doesn't close for a few days after birth, everything looks a-ok. Even with surgery, only about half of all affected infants survive. Assuming the kid does live, what would be the point of keeping him alive until he is of reproductive age and able to pass on his faulty genes, when he should have died anyway? I do not mean

Look at the genetic diversity here, isn't it astounding? Pretend for example people with genotypes AA and Aa are homozygous dominant and heterozygous, respectively, for bright red hair; people who are homozygous recessive, aa, have lackluster white hair. BB and Bb represent a definitive height of six feet; bb represents a height of 3 feet. These traits obviously could not be expressed for real, but they are here for sake of example. I know what I'm talking about.

"should have died" in the sense of "must die"; rather, I see it as "destined to die." I don't think all mentally handicapped people should be exterminated, nor do I think only a select few should be chosen to reproduce. I wouldn't be one of them, believe you me. Having only an elite group of genetically "superior" people would destroy the genetic diversity that allows the human race to survive catastrophic events and such. The sickle cell trait, common in people of African and Mediterranean descent, is a safeguard against malaria (although not totally effective, it decreases the severity of the disease). This was a mutation that proved to be beneficial. By the time any sort of function-enhancing mutation occured in the offspring, now horribly inbred, it might be too late. Maybe eugenics is a stupid idea. Or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.
Notice in the table above there are no individuals with white hair. For simplicity's sake the F2 generation was the same AABb person crossed with each of his sibs, and this cross produces no individuals with genotype aa_ _. Such an individual could be obtained by crossing a heterozygote (a "hybrid" for all you hybridy folks out there) Aa_ _ with another of the same genotype. The resulting cross would give 1 AA_ _, 2 Aa_ _s, and 1 aa_ _. Also note the "true-breeding" individual in the third cross for the F2 generation. If he was a lab rat you might want to hang on to him to obtain "clean" specimens, but otherwise he eliminates all diversity (i.e. if he is crossed with another AABB, all their offspring will be AABB... obviously not a good thing). Humans are much more complex than this 2 gene model, but the idea is there and that's all that matters. :P

 
free rubber uterus disk

Click here to order one of these things. What would a person need with a rubber uterus disk, anyway?

 
charlatanry and such

Hrm. If I rack up enough CME hours, do I get some sort of recognition? In Minnesota, the requirement is 75 credit hours over 3 years. I just started taking the tests last night and have 2 credit hours so far.... This is all fine, except I'm not a physician. Nor am I a nurse, anesthesiologist, pharmacist, medical student, or anything even remotely medically related. I don't even have a job.

 
philosophical question of the day

Why do humans have a neck? It's so vulnerable, all fleshy and exposed. It houses important veins and arteries, the cephalad portion of the esophagus, almost the entire trachea, the thyroid, and the spinal cord. Such an important structure should not be protected by a sheet of skin and the platysma muscle. And what with the females and their dainty little milk-white necks, gracile, lean: an invitation for disaster. Granted there aren't too many beheadings these days (rest in peace, Mr. Pearl - your death will not have been in vain), but the neck seems such a superfluous structure. But this poses a problem - evolution has not removed the neck, so it obviously has a biologically helpful mechanism. Without it, the digestive system would be shorter - no problems there; the major blood vessels to the head would be better protected; the spinal cord would be shorter, and it would eliminate the need for any pesky vertebrae there; the thyroid would either be displaced to another part of the body, perhaps within the thoracic cavity, or buried deeper in the head-shoulder junction; and the trachea would be drastically truncated, providing less of that darned mucus, fewer cilia (thus making humans more susceptible to respiratory infection, hmm), and would also completely prohibit tracheotomies. So...

I can logically conclude the evolutionary purpose of the neck is so EMTs can perform tracheotomies.

 
a very moooving article

Update to the penis story of 2/13... The Independent of Grand Island ran a follow-up to the story. You'll never guess what it really is.

 
i am not amused